My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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