i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
