its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
