Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
