are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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