I CAN MOONWALK!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
