the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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