I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
