I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So here I am, sexting at work.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
