Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
