Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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