My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
