I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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