it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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