shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
