Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
