dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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