piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
