I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
