It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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