how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
