i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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