I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
