Moan for me like Helen Keller
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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