we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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