It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
