I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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