why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
