I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
