Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
