Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
