capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
