My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
