I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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