Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
