Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Even my vagina gasped.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Oh god it's open bar.
FUCK WHALES
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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