I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
And then my night got REAL pukey
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
