Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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