also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
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