YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
