I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
