Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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