happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
