Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I party with great urgency now.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
