Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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