After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
