Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
