so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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