Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
