Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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